Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
