3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
