My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
