does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize