Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
