fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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