Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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