She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
