My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
