he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
