I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
