the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
