he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
