I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
