you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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