I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
