Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
