My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
