I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
