where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
