I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
