How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Randomize
