you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
