i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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