I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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