Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
