i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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