Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
