omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Randomize
