I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
