Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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