Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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