i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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