I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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