Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
