my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
oh god was she eating orange peels again
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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