I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Randomize
