Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
