I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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