I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
