I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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