so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
