You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
