I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
It was like getting head from an anaconda
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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