marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
