If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
