so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
