I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
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