so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
