Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
