I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
