Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I am naked and annoyed.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
