Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
