??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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