still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
God I need to hump something, right now.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
