We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Randomize
