I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize