On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
